The importance of rewards vs punishment

One thing we know for sure in psychology; if you want to see a behavior again, reward it.
The reward can simply be "thank you very much." However we do know that rewards work better than punishments for improving behavior.  What does this mean for you as a parent?  So often I hear a parent say, "I have taken away everything my child values; his Playstation, TV, cell phone, computer, there is nothing else I can take away, and still nothing changes."  Many years ago I can recall meeting with a teenager who said she was grounded for life.  It was just making her more and more angry, and increasingly isolated from her friends and family.

Behavior change is difficult, as you know if you have ever tried to change anything yourself. Have you ever tried to start an exercise program or lose weight?  It is not easy.  Why do we think it would be easy for our kids then? 
It is important to focus on small changes, one at a time.  Once we start a behavior program, the instinct parents have is to try to change the whole child all at once.  It is important to target the specific change you would like to see most first. It is sometimes helpful to think in terms of learning a sport; if your tennis coach tells you too many things to focus on, you can't focus on anything.  If your coach tells you three things to focus on (i.e. eye on the ball, side to the net, follow through) you might be able to keep them in your mind. 

The same is true for our kids.  Give them no more than 3 things to work on, and reward any small changes you see.  Small steps towards a goal still get you there.  In Kazdin's book mentioned in yesterday's blog, he has a list of rewards for kids based on their developmental ages in the back of his book.  He also has very clear ideas about how to implement a reward system to change behavior. 

The rewards have to be chosen based on things the child likes and wants. Ask yourself what does my child enjoy and can I make it contingent on doing what he/she needs to do?  One problem today is that many of our children already get everything they want.  If this is the case in your home, you may need  to change some of your own ideas about parenting.  

There are many parenting books and classes you can take.  In this blog I will continue to suggest those that I think are most helpful.