Keep it short and simple (KISS)

I once heard the acronym KISS for parents to think about when talking to their kids - Keep it Short and Simple.  This apparently is extremely hard to do.  One of the most common parenting traps I have heard of is the lecture.  Parents go on and on yelling at a child about what they have done wrong - be it getting bad grades or staying out too late.  Kids tell me they listen to approximately 12 words.  That's it.  After that they tune out and think about something else.  I think what parents are trying to do is to explain to their child why they should behave differently and hope the child will come around to see it their way.  I guess we hope they will see the wisdom of our brilliant thinking and say something like, "Aha, Mom of course you are right!  I should be getting better grades!  It is extremely important to my future!  Of course I will now buckle down and study and do all my homework and turn it in on time from now on!"  I guess the expectation is that will be the end of it and we will all ride off into the sunset happily ever after.  Obviously it doesn't work this way in real life.  Parental lectures don't work; they don't change anything.  They may just make things worse by increasing the anger level in the child who has to sit there and listen quietly without talking back.  What does work is telling the child exactly what you expect and then providing appropriate reinforcement when the child makes efforts to improve his or her behavior.  Encourage small steps in the right direction.  You wrote your assignments down and brought home the necessary materials?  Good job!  You did all you homework tonight?  That's great!  Your work is all caught up this week and all assignments are turned in?  You get extra privileges this weekend!

Keep it short, simple and specific.   Reward all small steps.  Provide encouragement not discouragement.

The importance of rewards vs punishment

One thing we know for sure in psychology; if you want to see a behavior again, reward it.
The reward can simply be "thank you very much." However we do know that rewards work better than punishments for improving behavior.  What does this mean for you as a parent?  So often I hear a parent say, "I have taken away everything my child values; his Playstation, TV, cell phone, computer, there is nothing else I can take away, and still nothing changes."  Many years ago I can recall meeting with a teenager who said she was grounded for life.  It was just making her more and more angry, and increasingly isolated from her friends and family.

Behavior change is difficult, as you know if you have ever tried to change anything yourself. Have you ever tried to start an exercise program or lose weight?  It is not easy.  Why do we think it would be easy for our kids then? 
It is important to focus on small changes, one at a time.  Once we start a behavior program, the instinct parents have is to try to change the whole child all at once.  It is important to target the specific change you would like to see most first. It is sometimes helpful to think in terms of learning a sport; if your tennis coach tells you too many things to focus on, you can't focus on anything.  If your coach tells you three things to focus on (i.e. eye on the ball, side to the net, follow through) you might be able to keep them in your mind. 

The same is true for our kids.  Give them no more than 3 things to work on, and reward any small changes you see.  Small steps towards a goal still get you there.  In Kazdin's book mentioned in yesterday's blog, he has a list of rewards for kids based on their developmental ages in the back of his book.  He also has very clear ideas about how to implement a reward system to change behavior. 

The rewards have to be chosen based on things the child likes and wants. Ask yourself what does my child enjoy and can I make it contingent on doing what he/she needs to do?  One problem today is that many of our children already get everything they want.  If this is the case in your home, you may need  to change some of your own ideas about parenting.  

There are many parenting books and classes you can take.  In this blog I will continue to suggest those that I think are most helpful.

Essential parenting skills - assertiveness

One of the most essential parenting skills I can think of is assertiveness.  By this I do not mean aggressiveness.  Being passive is doing nothing and just letting other people, including your kids, do what they want.  This often leads to resentment and yelling.  Being aggressive is yelling, hitting, name calling, and threatening.  This often leads to the other person feeling angry and therefore to a cycle of anger.  Being assertive is stating what you want using "I" sentences, firmly and clearly, but without anger.  This is a tall order I know. Here is an example of what I mean:

Situation: Your child leaves his/her dirty clothes and wet towel on the rug in his/her room.
Passive response: Go in and pick them up and put them away yourself, but feel resentful.
Aggressive response: You are a slob!  Why can't you ever pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper?  Do it now or there is no TV for a month!
Assertive response: I want you to pick up your clothes right now and put them in the hamper.  Then I want you to hang up your wet towel.

Often we ASK children to do something, as in "Would you pick up your clothes and towel now?"  This is less likely to get the desired response.  In fact, you may get "no" for an answer.  What do you do then? 

There was a book published many years ago called Assertive Discipline for Parents by Lee Canter.  It has many useful tips for parents on this topic. 

The perils of parenting

Parenting seems to have become increasingly difficult.  The other day I was in a restaurant at 8 pm.  There was a family at the next table with a small child, probably around the age of 2. Clearly they were near the end of the meal and the little boy was restless.  He got up, walked around the room, touching pots and pans lined up on a buffet table and looking back at the grown ups as though he was asking to be told no.  There was no such limit from the grown ups, presumably his parents.  He then wandered off to other tables, including my own, where we were trying to enjoy a late meal.  I worked hard to keep from saying anything to these parents, and just tried to enjoy my meal and hope they would finish up and leave.  Parents seem not to understand that children need limits.  In fact they feel more secure knowing that grown ups and not them are in charge.  It is a scary enough world and if you are two years old, or three or thirteen, you need to know you are not in charge, that someone older and wiser is in charge.  The child may not like this, but it will help them feel safer and more secure.


If you are feeling like you don't know what to do as a parent, there is help.  Alan Kazdin, Ph.D. has published a book that contains the best results from the research that has been done in recent years about effective parenting. The book is called The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. This book is really for all parents of all children, not just defiant children.  There is a DVD in the back of the book that will help you see what works and what doesn't work.  This book (and DVD) is available from Amazon and other books stores.